Two and a half years ago I ended my relationship with one of my best friends. For everything we had we worked better as best friends, not partners. Ending that relationship shook my life to the core, changing my hopes, dreams and ambitions. By 21 I’d had a job in my own studio and I was a great Mac trainer. I’d pretty much crossed off everything on the to-do list. I remember our first (and only) work Christmas party. I was asked by the wife of our investor who my heroes were. Who I looked up to. I didn’t have an answer for her and I still don’t have an answer today. I know my life has purpose, I just don’t know what it is (yet).

It (life) has all just become too mechanical. Too constructed. To quote Aladdin "Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat". Well I don’t steal, but I have countless hours stolen from me. I allow it under the guise of gaining new skills, but I really strive somewhere between self-created bedlam and bureaucracy. Too much of one or the other and the scales will tip. I’m striving to find balance, and I’m yet to give up hope that I can find balance and peace regardless of my environs, I just need to accept that these will be internal balance and peace. It’s not always possible to create that externally too, at least to the extent I’d consider reasonable.

I meet new people every day. Some of them come into my store at work, some of them I chat to online and we opt to have a coffee. And yet for all the people I meet, I’ve come to a degree of acceptance I’m not going to find what I’m looking for. In fact I’ve managed to obfuscate what I’m looking for to such an extent that not even I remember what I’m searching for. So I accept it. I won’t find what I’m looking for. I’m not ready to settle down. I’m only 23. But in doing that am I cutting things short? Am I sentencing myself to a life devoid of commitment? Perhaps I am.

I had a magical dream about 3 weeks ago. I was living in this house at the bottom of a shallow valley, surrounded by undulating hills. On closer inspection the house was made of grass, growing in and out, forming the walls like a hedge, but grass. I was exploring the house and there was a really big room for me and each of my flatmates. As I continued to explore I found a old door, which opened to an old world style study. Gorgeous windows, an entire wall of books and an amazing desk. I awoke shortly thereafter but ever since have felt empty, questioning why I can’t find such a warm, inviting, productive space. I hope to not always need the physical construct but until I can learn how to put myself in the zone, it no doubt helps.

And so I sit here. Typing. Chatting. Thinking. Listening to Staind tell me that "It’s been a little while since I could look at myself straight… hold my head up high". One of my new friends has just told me that I need to allow myself to be spoiled a bit. Allow myself to have someone surprise me with coffee, plans for the evening, or something little to make me smile.

A lot has changed in a relatively short space of time. I’m more outgoing. I don’t shrink away when I catch my reflection. I like (most) of my body. And yet I sit back and look at all the areas I can improve on. It’s relentless. I see everything as some sort of list I need to check things off of. And I’m tired. Tired of dreaming up new things to write on it.

I need this story to write itself. I need to know why I’m here. Because the world isn’t enough.

ED: Apologies… there isn’t much sense in this consciousness stream despite my efforts to edit it.

Earlier in the week I wanted to wax lyrical about how having recently celebrated my 23rd birthday I felt like I was surrounded by an ocean of love. I sit here, in a room full of artists in our Paddington “Studio” and the words won’t come. I’ve been offered pens, pencils, paint, but I opted for words (or is that the relative safety of my laptop keys). Jenna is painting a piece of wood with only black paint and a tiny brush while Ru sketches her profile in the evening light with charcoal on paper. Josh is sewing and Jac is sketching. They each have their own style, something they just lash out and express.

And I sit here. Paralysed. Once again I find myself surrounded by an ever increasing body of artists, but instead of letting go and expressing myself I simply bundle myself closed and admire their work, wondering if I could (or will) ever relenquish enough of myself to tap into the pure potential. 

It’s no doubt that my job is all consuming at the moment. Taking over the new store hasn’t been an easy feat, and there is still much much work to be done. I have been fighting to regain some life and I’ve been allowing myself to leave closer to time and have days off here and there. It’s working, but it’s gradual.

This is all I feel moved to write now. There will be more soon. On one hand I’m glad I’ve been able to say this much and on the other I’m disappointed that I can’t write what I want to. But the words won’t flow. Perhaps the wine will help.

xo

Let’s recap. I’m not making time for my friends, I’m working insane hours at the new job and everyone remotely close to me is overseas or interstate (or planning to be) with increasing regularity. My world is in a spin and I’m left trying to micro manage the impossible.

New job you say? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. I have been asked to manage one of our city stores. It has an impossible track record since the take over, writing off thousands of dollars of stock each month. I’ve been charged with fixing it, and boy am I feeling out of my depth. For once in my life I’d like to have a chat to Hitler to get some tips on how to manage the situation (hopefully it wouldn’t include murdering the Jewish staff members). That was a bit callous. My bad.

So I’m riding the rollercoaster again and I’m in a desperate need of a realignment in the personal side of my life. Work is so busy on my days off I’ll be trying madly to catch up with those I care about. No rest for the wicked they say.

There are some noticeable distances that are forming in my personal relationships and it really saddens me. It should really motivate me to the point of action, but I suppose some of these things are two way streets. Strange coincidences have been happening in decisions though, as if motivated subconsciously. I bought and wrote on a card to give to the boy I am seeing at the moment. I didn’t know his address off the top, so I thought to drop it in his letter box. I inadvertently left the card on my desk at work… meanwhile a password I chose at random today has a correlation to an ex-flame (which I didn’t realise till later). I wish I knew what it all meant.

Bottom line. I’m doing ok, but attending to whatever is making the most noise. It’s not remotely close to an ideal way to run my life, but in realising that I suppose there is a degree of empowerment.

Watch this space. 

I feel the sharp pangs of contrast at the moment. My entire life has hopped back on the roller coaster of highs and lows and I’m not even sure I remember how to ride it so that I have fun along the way.

I was talking to Dan earlier this evening and commented that like he, I felt very much like I was treading water. His reply came swiftly… 

D: “But you’ve got the place, the job and the boy?” 

L: “… and I don’t even feel close to complete”

D: “Does anyone ever?”

I really really hope that there is more to life than this. Despite “doing well” for myself I feel so hollow at the moment and I really can’t put my finger on the driving factor behind it.

Moving out of home has been a big step for me. I love my family to bits, as they me, but at some point you have to stretch out (or so society would have you believe). My stretching has been eventual but now finds me sleeping in (typing to you from) my first queen-size bed in a quaint suburb I know little about. I love the new place, so far the rapport with the flat mates has been stellar and yesterday we warmed the house (though the recent cold-snap has me believing otherwise).

Perhaps I’m just feeling way outside my comfort zone (which is a good thing), but something tells me there’s more to it than that. Right now I just want reassurance that I’m doing ok with my life, my job, etc. But that reassurance isn’t coming from any extrinsic sources anymore. At long last, Luke (me) has to look within and find his core, his centre, his intrinsic drive that he (my life) is worth waking up for, taking notice of and steering in a direction (wherever the wind takes me).

I’m hoping to find some passion quick and fast because this emptiness is killing me softly. And yet, there is poetry there, for what was there before the Big Bang? Emptiness. 

I’m purging. And I don’t think I’m quite done yet… 

Above is a screen grab, click here to check it out on Apple.com or click here to download the Quicktime movie.

Check out more about Coldplay at Coldplay.com, on Wikipedia or iTunes.

See, when I read something cool I want to tell you all about I keep the tab open in Safari. So in the past few days and weeks I’ve accrued a fair pile of things to talk about! Here’s the proof… 

And it is my solemn vow to push some of this web goodness onto you all soon!! Before it’s no longer relevant or old news.  I have a few personal updates on their way too, but hit me up on Facebook if I don’t get them up soon enough.

"Luke… he could justify anything"

The other night I managed to surprise myself… I managed to justify flying to see the upcoming Cirque Du Soleil in Sydney in June with Jac (instead of waiting till November) because there’s an acrobatic class she’s trying to talk me into and she will also have finished working on Big Brother by then, so we have something to celebrate!

Shortly after, my iPod headphones finally gave up from the abuse they’ve copped from me since I started full time work in Brissy about 6 weeks ago. Music is a crucial part of my public-transport filled day, so I’ll need new ones. But seriously? My Blackberry message to Jac read:

"My iPod headphones just broke. Is that reason enough to buy a new iPod Nano?"

I’m also busy trying to justify a trip to Canada while I still owe thousands, and a MacBook Air because my MacBook Pro is just getting too heavy to lug around on the train every day.

Does that make me a master salesman, or just an optimist trying to put a "Glass is half-full" spin on things? Perhaps it’s a blend of both and I’m sure there are still plenty of things I’d have trouble justifying… like taking a day off work because I didn’t feel like it, or pushing a cat off a balcony to see if it bounced. I’m just glad I have good friends and family to help keep the inner justifier in check!

Lash out in the comments… what have you managed to justify (to yourself or others)… ?

It seems dear Rupert has gone a little crazy recently, and decided that we need yet another place to job search, and thus Sir Rupey has delivered us MySpace Jobs.

What I find most interesting is that I didn’t find out about this because Tom decided to post a comment on my profile, I saw an ad on Facebook. Well, not on Facebook itself, but in the insanely popular Scrabulous App.

Hats off to the Murdochs for this one. A very nice side step around rules and regs! That said, I still feel the relevance and usefulness of such a venture is passing, at best!!

Bets in the comments. I give it no more than 4 months!

As I walked home across the Green Bridge yesterday evening that dismay was replaced with a greater understanding of what that means and how it can actually be A Good Thing™.

In the eyes of customers and those I work with and for it can’t be a bad thing to be seen (from a distance) as a little older (and more responsible). I am quite possibly the youngest sales manager that Next Byte has on staff, so looking a little older must go some way to increasing my credibility, excluding my insanely broad knowledge of things Mac. That said, anyone who actually knows me knows that, well, I’m not 26 and I still have quite a few things to learn, but hey don’t we all.

So with that I will relish in being twenty something! I might even phase talking about my age out of conversation and let people construct me as they see fit. Which is very new thinking. For me.

—–
Typed on my BlackBerry® from Optus while driving on the M1

Music is such a large motivator, shaping my mood and reflecting thoughts I would otherwise have trouble expressing, so I bring you all the Soundtrack to my Life (aka. my iTunes Top 10), which this week is:

1. Time to Pretend / MGMT
2. Crazy (James Michael Mix) / Alanis Morissette
3. Nicest Thing / Kate Nash
4. Cologne Cerrone Houdini / Goldfrapp
5. A&E / Goldfrapp
6. Tell Me Why (Radio Edit) / Supermode
7. On the Verge of Something Wonderful / Darren Hayes
8. Pretty Vegas / INXS
9. Thou Shalt Always Kill (Radio Edit) / Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip
10. Naughty Girl (Radio Edit) / Mr. G

If you’re keen to hear a preview of any and you’re iTunes savvy, check out the iMix I just created!

To give a quick plug to a few of the songs… Time to Pretend is a phenomenal song, I mentioned it and the amazing music video in my last post. Alanis / Crazy have helped me get through some of the longer and more challenging days at work. Goldfrapp’s new album Seventh Tree is a perfect cure for the morning after a big night, A&E is the biggest seller so far, but I love the violin stabs in Cologne Cerrone Houdini. Tell Me Why is a bit of disco/techno goodness, and Pretty Vegas is another indulgence, just love the beat! Thou Shalt Always has been around for a while, but I rediscovered it the other day and I love the sentiments! Naughty Girl is the fruits of Chris Lilley’s labour in last year’s popular ABC series, Summer Heights High. If you’re a fan, check out the EP, it has a half dozen remixes, including a Paul Mac one. Which leaves only the haunting and melancholy Nicest Thing by Kate Nash (more violin goodness). It’s utterly depressing, but we’ve all been there and felt it.

I also just watched a lot of the music vids for the first time. While Time to Pretend is still the favourite clip of the week, I’m also a big fan of On the Verge of Something Wonderful. Pretty Vegas also has a little eye candy depending on your tastes too!

So that’s it. Let me know what you think in the comments!